Friday, January 15, 2010

Ice Age: Advice for Churches

Just through from the Diocesan office...

Urgent - Diocesan Guidelines for local churches in the event of sudden Ice Age

Important: Meteorological and Geological research at the Poles suggests that previous ice ages happened in a matter of days rather than over thousands of years, triggered by global warming. Most churches are totally unprepared for ministry and mission at – 50 Centigrade!

The present cold spell has underlined the need for these guidelines

Please read these guidelines carefully.

In the event of a sudden ice age ….

Ministerial and Organisational
Older churches will stay open (as no noticeable change in temperature).
Some PCCs, clergy chapters, 8.00 am congregations can continue meet as usual (same reason).

Liquid Churches will be frozen indefinitely.
Emerging Churches – will disappear again.
Clergy Capability Procedure to be revised and reissued as ‘Clergy Incapability

CME grants will be claimable for:

Thermal cassocks
Inuit-English phrase books
Thermal underwear
Lem Sip
Thermal Scrabble

Mission and training resources

Rick Warren - The Purpose Driven Sledge
Bob Jackson - The Road to Hypothermia (fully revised)
Revised Arctic edition ‘Igloo-Shaped Church’

Study guides on:
‘Leading your church into a Crevasse’.
‘Developing every-penguin-ministry’.
‘Go with the floe - reaching out to the unchilled.

DVDs of ‘Scott of the Antarctic’, Ice Age 1&2, Ice Station Zebra, Ski Sunday highlights.

New Grove Books Arctic series is planned
‘Parish visiting in the Arctic’ – coping with frosty receptions.
‘Leading Evangelistic igloo meetings’ – some ice breakers.

In preparation - recipes for those Arctic Alpha meals: incs Penguin casserole, Penguin en Croute, Medallion of Penguin, Quiche (V), Arctic Roll or Penguin biscuits. Wines (chilled).

Worship Resources
‘Permafrost Praise’ – new song book includes ‘In the bleak mid winter’, ‘Empty, frozen here I stand’, ‘All through the night’ and ‘Snow Jesus Snow’.
Children’s section includes favourite - ‘Jesus wants me for an ice berg’.

Common Worship Guidelines includes
Baptising with ice
Communion with frozen wine (…. bread, priest and congregation etc)
Sharing the peace (frequently, vigorously and prolonged - but not on lips).
Leading ‘All-Penguin’ worship.

During the sunless winter months (September 1st to August 25th), Morning and Evening Prayer will be replaced by continuous Night Prayer.

Specially adapted version of the Psalms including: Ps 23 ‘The Lord is my Penguin Herdsperson’ and Ps 130 ‘Out of the Crevasses I cry to thee, O Lord’

Encultured sermon outlines on the sayings of Jesus including -
‘Many are cold but few are frozen’
‘You didn’t freeze me, I froze you’ etc

Health and Safety notes:
Vocations and Selection - all Bishops Advisory Panels must be thoroughly defrosted before use.
Derby Diocese will join the Northern Arctic Regional Training Partnership
All courses will be accredited by the Rejkavik College of Higher Education

CME (vicar training) days coming up
Training your husky (sequel to days on ‘Finding your Husky’ and ‘Catching your Husky’)
How to make: harpoons/sledges/ice shoes/igloos/whale fat reading lamps/ a living (delete as applicable)

thanks to Chris for forwarding this.


  1. I assume everyone will think they have a lot of nuns around?

  2. That should be 'English/Inuktitut phrasebooks'...