Covid Carols

Good King Wenceslas logged out
Feeling much dejection
All the slots had been booked out
For Tesco collection
Not deliveries there were
For his sauce and pasta
He would have to fight his way
Through the queues at ASDA
 
Angels from the realms of glory
Kindly stay right in your place
We’ve no wish to get infected
Have you heard of hands face space?
Don’t
Sing that song at us
Don’t you realise
Droplets travel further
We’ll
Have to isolate
We can’t emigrate
No way through at Dover
Wash you hands and please don’t sing
 
Now mask ye quickly gentlemen don’t mingle here today
We need your names for track and trace the church guidance doth say
Our distanced seating’s full so please book in for next Sunday
And we’re streaming on Facebook and Zoom
Meeting Room
And we’re streaming on Facebook and Zoom
 
See them dining now in Tier 4
Masks at table and an open door
All precautions so the covid spores
Don’t land on the Christmas turkey
How to eat up Brussel Sprouts for 10?
We disinvited
Aunty Gwen
At least we won’t get ugly socks again
And bits of gaudy paper chain.

While Donald watched the count at night

Saw he was losing ground

Upon his laptop did alight

And tweeted all around

"Fear not", said Pence, for mighty dread

Had seized his coiffured hair

"That Biden's old, he's got not chance

So please Boss don't despair"

All lawyers heed, clear schedules now

And double up your fee

For Trump will not admit defeat

Till 2023

If its Christmas, it must be the Christmas Linebacker

An annual tradition on this blog is to celebrate Christmas by showing a video of a scary man rugby tackling people with Christmas presents in order to explain the Christmas message.

This ain't no sleigh ride baby!

'Walk softly, as you go through Christmas...'

"Walk softly, as you go through Christmas, that each step may bring you down the starlit path, to the manger bed.

Talk quietly, as you speak of Christmas that you shall not drown out the glorious song of angels.

Kneel reverently as you pause for Christmas, that you may feel again the Spirit of the Nativity, rekindled in your soul.

Rise eagerly, after you have trod the Christmas path, that you may serve more fully, the one whose birth we hail."
(Margaret Bundy Moss)

3 ways to tell the Christmas story with food

All of these 3 have been road tested in Yeovil, and extensively 'borrowed' for elsewhere, and they all work really well:

Chocolate Christmas - telling the story through chocolates and sweets. Or just browse the chocolate aisle of your local supermarket and see what names jump off the shelf.

Merry Crispmas - telling the story through brands and flavours of crips and snacks

Fruit and Veg Christmas - well, you get the idea

and just in case these inspire you, here's a chocolate version of the Easter story.

To avoid spending lots of cash, you could use pictures rather than the real thing. But it's quite fun rummaging through for the next item whilst everyone tries to guess what it is. Enjoy.

Christmas Lights Suggestion

Fruit and Veg Christmas

Draft script for a Christmas talk involving 30 separate items of fruit and veg. If you have any other suggestions or suggested edits then please pop them in the comments, this is a work in progress!

Fruit and veg Christmas story

Do you eat healthily at Christmas? Yes me too. (not!)

But Christmas really is good for you.

So here’s a healthy Christmas message.

The bible starts with a garden full of good things. And just one fruit that the man and the woman weren’t supposed to eat. One apple, one small thing, but they thought they knew better than God and took it. Then they hid. Where did the woman go? Where did the Mango? And we’ve been hiding from God ever since

So God came to seek us. It starts with Mary, a young woman who loved God, meeting a messenger. An angel. It’s an amazing thing to meet an angel

Mary was a bit worried – well you would be - but the angel said Peas be with you. God has chosen you, you’re to have a child, the promised saviour. God is coming to find you.

Cool as a cucumber, Mary said ‘yes’ to God’s will, because she trusted God.

Now Mary was engaged to Joseph, and God had bean speaking to him too. In a dream he was told that this child was Gods, and that he was to look after Mary and the baby.

Soon after, everyone had to go to their home town to pay a tax. Joseph wasn’t very wealthy, he didn’t have a big celery, but the pear of them set off for Bethlehem. A journey of 80 miles or so. They didn’t avocado (have a car though), maybe not even a donkey – the bible doesn’t mention one. So just imagine on foot, Mary pregnant, walking at 1 melon hour, maybe two. A long, tough journey, it took plenty of thyme to get there.

They got to Bethlehem, but it was full. It was a really bad time to turnip. There wasn't mushroom at the inn. People used to keep their animals indoors in winter, in a section of the house, so maybe instead of staying in a guestroom, the innkeeper actually had Mary and Joseph into his own home. And there Jesus was born, and placed in a feeding trough, with animals around him, some sat, suma asleep. They were too poor to have a blanket, so they wrapped Jesus in strips of cloth to stop him getting chilli.

On the hillside outside Bethelehem were shepherds, night security guarding the flocks. Suddenly, more angels! “Peas be with you. To you the saviour is born at last, down there, in Bethlehem”. When the angels had gone the shepherds said to each other: Lettuce go and see this thing the angels have told us about. So they left the sheep and sprinted down to Bethelehem. It must have been a bit of a squash when they all arrived

The Bible also tells of Sages from the East, who followed signs in the sky to find a newborn king, bringing herbs and spices. They first came to the king in Jerusalem, Herod, who was a bit of a bad apple. Herod had a complete ban on another person taking over from him. When Herod heard of the newborn king, he had a bad case of sour grapes, and turned orange, or maybe peach, or even radish (reddish) with rage. Go and find him, then come back and tell me where he is.

The wise men weren’t called wise men for nothing. They went straight to see Jesus to offer their gifts: incense, myrrh, 24 carrot gold – gifts to Jesus for a true king. But they didn’t want the news to Leek out back to Herod, Butternut tell him, so they took another route home.

Mary, Joseph, shepherds, innkeeper, kings, wise men. But the main person in this story is Jesus.

However you slice it, at the core of all this, is God in human skin, a segment of heaven come down to earth, God’s appeal to everyone, Whether you’re a kiwi, a mandarin or made in Britain, Jesus was born for you. Jesus pips every other Christmas present going. Jesus loves me from my head to-ma-toes, and he loves you too.

The only person who comes out of this story the same as they went in is Herod: he is angry, violent, proud and scary before Jesus is born, and he’s angry, violent, proud and scary after. Everyone else is changed – Mary, Joseph, the shepherds, the wise men. God even changes, becoming one of us, becoming human, to sow a seed of new life into your heart and mine.

God made us to bear fruit, not to be a vegetable. We can be a couch potato, taking life in like we take in all the presents and the food and the tinsel and everything else, but never changing, never growing, never going deeper into love and joy and why we’re here. Or we can let this Christmas, this child, this God, sows a seed in my heart that will bear fruit.

So make Jesus one of your 5 a day, every day, and have a happy, healthy and joyful Christmas. 

The vicars 12 days of Christmas

12 bright christingles
11 visual aids
10 dentious sermons (can be swapped for 10 uous links)
9 lessons and carols
8 all the pies
7 choristers
6 seats remaining 
5 more sings!
4 shepherds and 
3 wise men
2 Bethlehem
And the Holy Nativity

Christmas clips: hate cannot drive out hate

short and powerful vid from the Churches Advertising Network, very good.

Kid Stuff

Kid Stuff

by Frank Horne

December, 1942

The wise guys
tell me
that Christmas
is Kid Stuff . . .
Maybe they've got
something there——
Two thousand years ago
three wise guys
chased a star
across a continent
to bring
frankincense and myrrh
to a Kid
born in a manger
with an idea in his head . . .

And as the bombs
crash
all over the world
today
the real wise guys
know
that we've all
got to go chasing stars
again
in the hope
that we can get back
some of that
Kid Stuff
born two thousand years ago—

Christmas Clips: No Pressure (nativity factor winner)

brilliant pair of angels "Remember, Gods son, no pressure..."

Christmas Clips: He Came Down

'If you've ever felt rejected, excluded or a stranger
Remember the One who came down in the manger.'

this is lovely

Christmas Clips: Christmas in a Nutshell

There's a bit of a trend for this sort of thing in Christian circles (e.g. This is Discipleship, which is also very good)

Christmas Clips: U2 'I believe in Father Christmas'

great twist on the original lyrics

Christmas Clips: Ephiphany Meets the Apprentice

love this, we're following 'The Apprentice' this year and these guys are roughly on the same level of competence and teamwork.

Christmas Clips: 'Joseph' (Dai Woolridge)

great meditation on the story from Josephs point of view, from the gifted wordsmith Dai Woolridge

Christmas Clips: Joseph goes to the Registry Office

so unrealistic - when did you last see a government form that simple?

Christmas Clips: 'Silent Night' Sixpence None the Richer

This works really well just before a Christmas service, especially with younger children present, just to settle everyone and bring a sense of peace and stillness. I still haven't yet graduated to using 'Kiss Me' by Sixpence before a wedding, but you never know...

Christmas Clips: the Christmas C(h)ord

The very talented Dai Woolridge and a very clever little video. This will mean most to guitar players (watch until the end!)

Christmas Clips: The Beatbox Nativity

The superb Gavin Tyte

Christmas Clips: Incarational Homespun Blues

Pretty sure this won Dylan the Nobel Prize for literature, or would have done if he'd written it...