Saturday, September 17, 2011

Archbishop of Canterbury: The All-Woman Shortlist

Following the unexpected popularity of the list of lay candidates for AB of C, it struck me (and one or two observers) that there wasn't a single woman on the list. Time to put that right.....

Miranda: Theologically sound - has a great grasp of The Fall - and powerful enough to beat Chartres over 3 rounds. Public school background is ideal for the House of Bishops, we may be ready for a woman, ready for a layperson, but God forbid we should ever have a commoner.

Mother Teresa: saintly, appeals to those with Catholic sympathies, and with global appeal. Has the added advantage of being dead, which means she's unlikely to say anything off-the-cuff which can be misquoted by the broadsheets and mangled by their headline writers.

Dame Edna Everage: great to have a candidate from the colonies, I mean, the Anglican Communion. Dame Edna has charisma, wisdom, insight and great hair. Hang on a minute. This is a bloke isn't it? It's a bloke trying to sneak his way onto the all women shortlist! First they dress in womens clothes, then they try to take a womans job! Perhaps alternative oversight and a church all to themselves is the only way to keep the testosterone in order.

Jordan: the ideal candidate if the CofE wants to carry on being fractious and bickering, as nobody will be remotely worried about falling out with her. After all, you have to cross Jordan to get to the promised land (sorry). Might be some problems getting the vestments to fit.

Marge Simpson: presides over a nominally Christian household which is always arguing, and persistently ignores the ways of the Bible-believing family next door. Bingo. There might need to be a mitre extension to accomodate that hair, but it's a small price to pay. Minor concerns that, over 24 years, she's still not managed to get her infant daughter to talk. .She'll face the opposite problem in the CofE, which is getting fully grown males to shut up.

Claire Balding: Relentlessly cheerful and a great lover of dogs, which make up about 50% of the headcount in many rural Dioceses. Plenty of continuity with tradition, as we've had plenty of balding Archbishops already. Just don't show your teeth when taking communion

Amy Pond: companion to the saviour of the universe, is used to the passage of long periods of time without changing her dress sense, speech patterns or main residence, and is closely involved with a child born with strange powers who ends up condemned as a criminal. The fact that none of this is explicitly Christian is not really a problem, ECUSA have managed on this basis for several years.

That Girl from Outnumbered: angelic in appearance, impossible to argue with, and used to having boys trying to boss her around. Ideal.

but I'm sure you can do better than this.......

and thanks to Richard Hall and Rev Lesley for linking.


  1. Is Cheryl Cole not a woman?!

  2. Tess Daly. Used to covering for the gaffs of doddery old men, and to soothing the damaged egos of people doing things they really ought'nt when others have subsequently been publicly judgemental. Plus - she has an outfit for every occasion & always looks amazing. That'd be a first.

  3. The girl from Outnumbered gets my vote. She easily exposes the stupidity of everyone's carefully crafted arguments. Lacks the pastoral touch, though.

  4. Gary - oh yes. Ah well, this is posted now. And for balance there's one bloke in the all-female list.

    Marcus - excellent.

  5. Margaret Thatcher. We might not agree with her politics, but her handbag would come in handy for the Council of Bishops.

  6. "The fact that none of this is explicitly Christian is not really a problem, ECUSA have managed on this basis for several years"


  7. Jessica Ennis. She's from Yorkshire, which is qualification enough.

    Or perhaps just cut out the middle man and persuade Her Majesty to combine Supreme Governor and ABC.