Monday, November 17, 2014

First Woman Bishop: The Shortlist

The CofE is to have women bishops, or 'bishops' as they'll now be known. Leaving aside the tenuous link between current practice and the actual role of a bishop in the Bible, there's bound to be a flood of 'who'll be the first one?' blogs and articles.

I've already given my suggestions for Archbishop of Canterbury after Rowan Williams stepped down, which were roundly ignored, but undeterred.....

Teresa May: plenty of experience with public school/Oxbridge educated colleagues, so no problems with the House of Bishops. Won a personal battle with Michael Gove in the cabinet, so the church school and Guardian-reading constituency is sewn up.

Clara Oswald: has spent most of the last year trying to deal with a crotchety old man with limited social skills. Don't worry, there are plenty more out there and they'll start writing to you in longhand from about your 3rd week onwards.

Tess Daly: plenty of experience trying to make discouraged adults feel better after they've spent all week preparing, and given their all in front of a room full of people, only to get harsh comments from folk who sit in the same seats week after week, and watch but never do anything.

Emma Watson: sooner or later there's bound to be a 'she only got the job because she's young and pretty' so lets just get it out the way now. After all, who cares that she's talented and intelligent?

Tinky Winky: purple, carries a handbag, and wears a three-cornered bit of headgear which is clearly a prototype mitre. Subliminal advertising for women bishops which has clearly played a major part in todays vote.

Fiona Bruce: carries a suitable air of authority and can hit a moving parishioner with an arched eyebrow at 60 paces. Good CV: Crimewatch for minor infringements of canon law, Call My Bluff for dealing with Reform and other lobby groups, and Antiques Roadshow for pretty much everything else.

Olivia Colman: already knows the CofE inside out from being a vicars wife in Rev., and now heads up something called Broad Church, a community of people with troubled histories who are struggling to get on with each other. Hang on, has she been consecrated already?

any more suggestions?


  1. Surely you're missing the most influential ones.

    The Vicar of Dibley and of course,

    Kate Bottley of Gogglebox fame. :)

  2. Sadly, I believe Tinky Winky, despite the handbag, is meant to be male.

  3. Rev Kate aka Kate Bottley off of Gogglebox

  4. The Queen. She is already Supreme Governor of the C of E, she really ought to be consecrated: "One appoints one to be bishop of Windsor". Then she can meet the pope as someone else who is a head of state AND a bishop.

    (And perhaps our next head of state should be appointed from among our bishops by a vote in their House).

  5. And I should have included Zara Phillips, strong establishment connections, and makes a living out of riding round and round in circles jumping over man-made obstacles.