Having attended the grand total of 1 meeting to choose a new Bishop, here's some insider tips on who might be the next man in the Vatican
Justin Welby: makes his fast tracking from Durham to Canterbury look leisurely.
Rowan Williams: has the right beard for world Christian unity.
Alex Ferguson: would be the first Pope to consider himself infallible prior to actually getting the job.
The Archdeacon from Rev: planning to conduct his papacy from the back seat of a private jet, interviews with failing priests are concluded with the fateful words 'I think I'll just drop you here'.
Mo Farah: in a shock interview, Mo explains that the 'Mobot' was a secret sign to Pope Benedict to let him have a go with the funny hat.
David Attenborough: having devoted most of his life to the study of Primates, knows more about the role than anyone else.
Chris Huhne: favoured candidate amongst those fearing more damaging revelations, as he's proven he can deny the blindingly obvious for 10 years in public whilst still keeping a straight face.
Nigel Farage: it'll be easier to keep an eye on all those awful Romanians from Rome. Romanians are from Rome aren't they? Anyway, they're foreign, and that's what counts.
Tony Blair: "This is no time for soundbites, but I feel the hand of Cherie on my shoulder. I mean, history. Y'know."
Jesus: apparently he'd quite like to have a crack at running the church one day, not sure we're ready for that yet.
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