Details of David Camerons 1st cabinet reshuffle are leaking out. This is due to be the first Austerity Reshuffle - the idea is to save stationary reprinting costs by replacing Cabinet members with people with the same surname.
Teresa May will be replaced at the Home Office by James May, who will take personal charge of overseeing baggage checks at Heathrow. Independent analysts estimate this will increase the average waiting time to 7 hours.
Phil Hammond will be replaced at Defence by Richard Hammond. Army assault training will now take place on the Total Wipeout course, which as well as being more demanding, is in Argentina, will send the right messages about the Falklands after that Olympic ad.
Ken Clarke will be replaced at Justice by Jeremy Clarkson. Plans to reduce the prison population by taking prisoners outside and shooting them in front of their families have run into problems - the army has no money left to buy bullets as the entire budget has been spent repairing crashed vehicles (see Defence).
Nick Clegg will be replaced as Deputy Prime Minister by Steve Legg, an escapologist. His challenge will be to escape from the coalition whilst remaining alive as a political force.
George Osborne will replaced as Chancellor by Ozzy Osbourne. This is part of the diversification policy within the cabinet: replace an upper class millionaire with a working class millionaire. The 2013 budget will include a guitar solo.
Ed Davey will be replaced by Steve Davies. Levels of interest will remain roughly unchanged.
David Cameron will be replaced by James Cameron, a man who knows all about sinking ships.
Given the recent history of the Labour leadership, it will be difficult for them to attack the principles behind the reshuffle. Instructions during any Commons exchanges are for Coalition MP's to all point at Douglas Alexander and mutter 'who's the Danny?'
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