Seizing on post-Christmas-turkey guilt and news that obesity rates in the UK are rising, there are rumours that Rupert Murdoch will soon launch the first UK digital TV channel devoted entirely to British people consuming calories. Early pitches for programmes include:
Downton Flabby: the cumulative effect of sitting around chatting all day, a 7 course meal every night, and having everything done for you by servants, finally catches up with waistlines of the Grantham household.
8 out of 10 Fats: don't know your sub-cutaneous from your polyunsaturates? Don't worry, neither do we, so we'll settle for Jimmy Carr insulting overweight people instead. Remember, offence is never given, only taken, at least that's what the comedians union said.
MidSomerfield Murders: things turn nasty in the biscuit aisle as stocks run low on cut price chocolate digestives.
Coronation Chicken Street: The Rovers Return is taken over by a multinational chain of sandwich bars.
Constipation Sweet: educational programme in the guise of a soap opera, suggesting some pioneering forms of weight loss.
Feastenders: The food runs out in Albert Square, so everyone is miserable. Actually, to be honest, they were miserable already.
Doctor Who Ate All the Pies?: the 'souffle' story arc reaches its climax as the Doctor saves the universe by turning the TARDIS into a giant oven and cooking all the Daleks. There is talk of a new spin-off series based in Rotherham, Time Lard.
Total Pigout: Contestants eat their way through obstacles made entirely of food, whilst Richard Hammond makes fun of them from a studio 7000 miles away.
Top Beer: the presenters are trapped by rising floodwater in a Devon pub, but a local finds a solution in The Hobbit - each one of them must drink an entire barrel of ale, then they can each be sealed into an empty barrel and floated off downstream to freedom. As they float away, the presenters are sure they can hear the sound of raucous laughter behind them followed by a speedboat going in the opposite direction.
Top of the Pop Tarts Not sure this is a food programme?
Dragons Bun: brave entrepreneurs try to persuade Duncan Bannatyne to give them a free cake from one of his front-of-gym cafes.
You have consumed 8.2 calories by simply reading this post, round it up to 10 by suggesting more shows...... Or enter our 'guess the weight of the blogger' competition!