New Carols for 2012

There's been a bit of a hostile takeover of the traditional Christmas carol. Here are some of the rebranded ones making their debut in 2012

Ding Dong Merrily on Sky    After a quiet word with Jeremy Hunt, Maria Miller, whoever is culture secretary as you read this, the Conservatives award Rupert Murdoch monopoly control over Christmas and exempt him from annoying stuff like paying taxes.

The First Cowell     After a quiet year on the UK front, Simon Cowell attempts to revive the failing X Factor format by starting the elimination shows in mid February, and introducing a shark pool underneath the stage.

Away with the Manger    Eric Pickles seasonal message to local councils, seasonally named 'Nativities without Straw', spells out how to make savings during the Christmas season, including Mary holding Jesus on her knee to save on the expense of a wooden feeding trough. Now that Mary and Joseph have spent a night in the stable, it qualifies as an extra bedroom and the innkeeper will see a drop of 20% in his council house benefit come April.

Jungle Balls    Not the usual collection of vipers, grubs and crawling creatures, we've already seen enough of the Conservative front bench for the year. Instead, Ed Balls is locked in the jungle by his colleagues until he thinks of a more incisive economic critique than 'that's not fair'.

The Angel Gabriel from Devon Came has had to be cancelled and replaced with the original The Angel Gabriel from Heaven Came due road flooding. Even though some trains are still running, Gabriel can't afford a ticket, despite living in a place paved with gold.

Silent Nick   What David Cameron wants for Christmas

White Christmas   What Nigel Farage wants for Christmas