In a new policy annoucement, English school exams are to be deregulated and offered out to sponsorship. A number of early candidates have already been submitted:
Backtrackalaureat: a new exam proposed by the Libdems. It doesn't matter how many answers you get wrong, as long as you apologise for them 2 years later.
Back a Laureate: sponsored by Paddy Power, this qualification combines poetry, maths and online gambling. Would suit anyone planning a career in the stock market.
English Back A Lorry Out: HGV qualification, sponsored by Eddie Stobart, designed for EU immigrant workers who are only used to driving on the right.
Bacolaureat: Sponsored by aluminium manufacturers Alcan, coursework consists entirely of covering objects of varying shapes and sizes with aluminium foil. Narrowly edged out the Tupperlaureat for the final shortlist.
EBacc Gum: course on food science and regional stereotyping with Jamie Oliver and Geoff Boycott.
The Alan Sugar School of Initiative and Business Integrity: stuff it, skip the exam, make up a qualification and we'll hire you anyway. Show me the money!
Xam Factor: exams done in front of a crowd of screaming teenagers, a weeping diva in a miniskirt, and an Irish guy who gives you 500% in everything. Only one person can pass each year, but 11 others get to tell their story to background music, qualifying them for an NVQ level 2 in Manipulative Media Narrative.