Church of England Transfer Window News

A lot of managerial change in the latest transfer window:

(Breaking News: freelance cleric Dean Saunders, formerly of Aston Cathedral, has called for spectators to be allowed into matches for free. Following the lead of other historic grounds, the Dean argues that, despite the costs of maintaining the premises and paying team salaries, clubs should rely on the generosity of visitors to meet running costs.)

Rt. Rev Guardiola, a pioneer leader with a great track record, has been made Bishop of Manchester. Once in charge, he'll discover that he can only change the team if players actually ask to leave, and has no control over the formation or playing style. Kit colours can only be changed after consulting with every supporter. Of every club.

Rev. Mourinho is still in post, despite falling out with a churchwarden on the first day of the season, alienating most of the PCC, and a general lack of inspiration at the main gathering each week. A senior and loyal member of the congregation has had his pew removed, and the congregation is tiring of the sermon series on Passive Aggression, which has now been going for 6 years. Bishop Abrahamovic, having personally headhunted Rev. Mourniho from a neighbouring Diocese, is too embarrassed to ask him to leave. The only way to sack a vicar is to go through the cumbersome and costly clergy disciplinary process: thankfully for the Bishop, the churchwarden has initiated proceedings.

Rev Dr Neville, a noted 1990s worship leader and well reputed church growth analyst, has joined the Roman Catholic church. It's early days, but the congregation don't appear to be enjoying the new songs.

Preb Wenger is standing for the 20th time for General Synod. Under his leadership, Emirates Minster has become well known for the quality of its youth choir, the elegant choreography of the worship, and the thoughtful but understated homilies. Older members of the congregation still talk about the mission held in the late 1990s, supported by a team of Dutch evangelists, and wonder if this years generation of interns will ever repeat it.

The Diocese of Leicester has experienced unprecedented church growth this year. However because Bishop Ranieri hadn't seen these kinds of results before, everyone is assuming it is a flash in the pan, and will go away. After all, we've so much experience of failing managers that we know what to do with them, but success is unfamiliar and unsettling. Archdeacon Vardy is being lined up for a role with a national coaching agency.