Inappropriate Clergy Awards

International Buy a Priest a Beer Day has passed without incident, and indeed without beer. On the same day a CofE vicar was reported as winning 'Funeral Celebrant of the Year', and I wondered if the beer had just found its way to the wrong place. Maybe it's just my British wibbliness about death that makes me slightly unnerved by a 'Good Funeral Awards'. After all, why not recognise excellence in this vital vocation?

There are so many awards going around now, and so many 'days' for different things (world sparrow day anyone?), half of them invented by someone on t'internet with a spare couple of hours. So I figured, why not enter the market?

Dishy Bishop Award presented by the staff of the Daily Mail, because what someone looks like is always far more important than what they think or believe.

Fullest Immersion: national competition for churches to see how many baptism candidates can be fully immersed in 5 minutes. Regional dunk-offs, followed by a national final in the Thames. Usually won by Vineyard, CofE churches often run out of candidates before the time is up.

Formation Thurible Swinging: troupes of altar boys and girls compete, bringing increasingly complex routines to tunes by Rutter (junior) and Bach (senior). This year, a new individual heavyweight contest, adult servers compete in an endurance test with a 20 kilo incense swinger, to see who can cense the most side chapels in Canterbury Cathedral during a sung Latin mass.

Most Tenuous Use of a Bible Passage nominations accepted from parishioners nationwide, though the winner is usually a speaker at New Wine.

Shortest Meeting: there has been an unofficial competition happening in village Church Councils for many years. Under the CofE's Simplification programme, PCCs are now offered a pro rata discount off their Parish Share (money paid to the Diocese) for finishing before an hour is up, whilst still discharging all their legal obligations. To date no-one has managed it.

Worst Lyrics to a Chorus there have been joint winners to this for as long as anyone can remember.

Vicars Voice Award for the vicar whose pulpit voice varies the most from the voice they use in everyday conversation. Congregations of 100 are blindfolded and asked to identify their own vicar from a lineup of 6 speakers. Several vicars have emerged pointless.

Sunny Side Up Award: presented annually to the people who compose the press releases about CofE attendance.

Action Song Leader of the Year: for the person who can most enthusiastically lead 100 repetitions of  'Our God is a Great Big God'

King Key Vicar: subcategories for Most Keys on a Bunch, Biggest Key to a Church Door, Most Keys that Don't Fit Any Locks in the Building and Nobody Knows What They're For, Worst Thought-Through Title For an Award.

Biggest Timewaster on Social Media who put that there?