Do you find yourself yearning for the phrase 'long term economic plan?' I know I do. From the day of its manifesto launch, the Conservative party has changed tack to a two-pronged electoral strategy
- offering public assets (or in the case of social housing, the assets of charities) for sale at a discount. The ideas so far are all remixes of policies tried in the 1980s.
- blood curdling threats about the SNP and what will happen if they get into power.
Confidential strategy documents found on a disused husky sled in a Witney garage show us David Camerons key messages from now until election day:
Weds 22 April Warn that if the SNP get more MPs all school children will be forced to eat porridge and wear kilts.
Thurs 23 April Proposals to sell off the whole of the East coast to private ownership, in the 'Shares for Shores' scheme. Politically astute, since that's where all the UKIP voters are, and allows border controls to be put into the hands of competent private operators like, um SERCO.
Fri 24th April Propose to ban all Scottish MPs from parliament during any 'English Votes for English Laws' sessions, and use the savings in expenses and train fairs to install border checks at Hadrians wall, or wherever it is in the North the border with Scotland is.
Sat 25th April chillax with Sam
Sun 26th April Find a big church somewhere with some cameras. Canterbury Cathedral? No those lefties at the CofE wouldn't let me into the pulpit.
Mon 27th New poster: picture of Andy Murray looking grumpy 'Always coming second to a European, do you want people like this running the country?' (Small print at the bottom reminds people that when he wins a major trophy, Murray still counts as one of ours)
Tue 28th Remind the nation that the Scots used to fight and kill the English 'and given half the chance they'll do it again'. New poster of Nicola Sturgeon with a Rosa Klebb style shoe blade and blue face paint. Journalists point out Braveheart was set 700 years ago.
Wed 29th With the polls showing Labour inching ahead, time to remix another hit from 1980s. Memories are hazy about both about the spelling, whether it was a good idea or not first time around. Time to relaunch the Pole Tax, a levy on immigrants from Eastern Europe and suggestive dancing. Proceeds to be used to fund an unnecessary reorganisation of the NHS, because we haven't had one for 4 years.
Thu 30th Trident to be outsourced to a consortium headed up by Rupert Murdoch, with shares sold at a discount to hard working families. 'Now every family can be a nuclear family'
Fri May 1st Warnings that for every vote cast for the SNP, a fairy dies. Pictures of sad children splashed across the Daily Mail.
Sat May 2nd Warnings that for every vote cast for Ed Miliband, a banker has to sell his yacht. Pictures of sad bankers splashed across the Daily Telegraph.
Sun May 3rd leave this day free for a random policy announcement not in the manifesto, like the Lloyds one.
Mon May 4th Get Eric Pickles to visit the one remaining coal mine and provoke a miners strike. That worked well last time.
Tues May 5th Get Jeremy Clarkson to visit Argentina and provoke an international incident, then we can invade the Falklands, that worked well last time.
Weds May 6th Last minute changes to voting rules: anyone eating shortbread, wearing a sporran, with red hair, or singing Auld Lang Syne to be banned from voting. Or being elected. Or saying anything.
Thurs May 7th Kick back with a bottle of Scotch and a plate of smoked salmon. Job done.