Suffer the children: Conservative Compassion Calculus

An attempt to offer sanctuary to 3,000 unaccompanied children was defeated yesterday in the House of Commons. Proposed as an amendment to the Immigration Bill by Labour, it was backed by everyone except the government. The main argument was, get this, that it was in the best interests of children not to help.

The minister said: "Our starting principle is that we must put the best interests of children first and avoid any policy that places children at additional risk or encourages them to place their lives in the hands of people traffickers and criminal gangs.

"In any response we need to be careful not to inadvertently create a situation in which families see an advantage in sending children ahead, alone and in the hands of traffickers, putting their lives at risk by attempting treacherous sea crossings to Europe."

The 'pull factor' argument, that if we take some children, more will be put at risk. That's the logic of taking refugees directly from camps around Syria, and there is a certain amount of truth to it. But only a bit, just imagine if we applied that logic to the rest of national life, the results could be spectacular:

 - Stop treating sports-related injuries in hospital. After all, it only encourages people to play sport, knowing that they'll be patched up by the NHS if they get a boot in the head. Result: fewer people playing sport, fewer sports related injuries, less pressure on the NHS. Sorted. 

 - Close down the stock market and commodities exchanges. We need to be careful not to inadvertently create a situation in which traders see an advantage in speculation, alone and in the hands of performance-related bonuses, putting jobs and pensions at risk by attempting treacherous deals.

 - Close down all shops selling anything of any value. We need to be careful not to inadvertently create a situation in which families see an advantage in sending children in ahead, alone and in the hands of criminal gangs, putting their welfare at risk by attempting to steal the Beyonce CD.

 - Scrap Street Pastors, who create a situation where people feel safer going to nightclubs. It would be better and more compassionate to let the clubbers lie in their own vomit and find their own way home at 3am after getting separated from their friends. That would discourage other people from getting drunk, falling over, or going out after dark. 

 - Rewrite the Good Samaritan. Helping people by the roadside only encourages people to use a known dangerous route, and encourages the criminals who prey on them. Leaving the odd corpse will discourage people from travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho, and puts the best interests of travellers first. In the new story, the priest and the Levite are the compassionate Conservatives, who walk past proudly and confidently, knowing that by leaving the man to suffer they are, in fact, doing the right thing.